A Bison in the Backyard

Houston, Texas
On the road to Austin

This is Texas, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. And this is life, so I guess I shouldn’t be impressed, appalled or amused by the things people keep in their yards. Like gnomes, signs warning adulterers off, dead cars, airplanes, junk, grottoes, goats and children, all of which I have seen on this great exploration by bus.

But a Texas Longhorn as a pet? That’s a new one on me. Near the campground we last visited, on a block of suburban homes featuring the usual two-car garages, neatly tended lawns and gardens, little white fences and the like, there is another well-tended ranch home, different only in that it has a huge bale of hay in front of the garage, several impressive mounds of poop scattered here and there, and in the middle of the lawn, as disinterested in my honking as ever a bored mammal could be, the biggest cow I’ve ever seen, with the biggest horns I’ve ever witnessed.

And on looking, discreetly, I discover that it’s not a cow at all, unless there are boy cows. No, this giant is a steer, most definitely. And each of his horns is the length of one of my legs. Which means that he’s about my height, sideways. And he sleeps on his back or his belly, unless he’s got one heck of a flexible neck.

How did he come to be a suburban pet, I wonder. Did the dog die and the people decide to trade up? Did Junior happen upon him in Petsmart and throw a tantrum until Mom and Dad relented and dragged Mr. Horny, as Junior has already named him, through the checkout? Did he have a barcode on his hide instead of a brand?

Is hay cheaper than KenLRation? Do they even make pooper scoopers in behemoth size? Did he come with a leash?

When he gets a bath do they put his hair in a little topknot with a pink bow? Does he get a bandana for around his neck? Does the vet give him a little bison bone when he’s finished his exam?

And most importantly, is there a Cesar Millan for him? A bison whisperer? Because otherwise, those folks are in for a rough time if he isn’t taught some proper behaviors like sit and stay. Heel, I wouldn’t worry about. A person could get poked if this guy walked too close.

Check it out. Swingset, trampoline, and longhorn steer.